April 19, 2017

It was a day that felt like nothing much mattered. 


I didn't even know if anything changing in my life would shift the leaden apathy that nested in the bottom of my throat. Everything I looked at was laced with anxiety. Stale, inadequate memories tugged at the back of my brain. 


I was bored with life. Part of me had given up. I floated beyond the need to make it, into an existential drift where my heart's fire dimmed. A restlessness stirred up my energy in agitated coils that pulsed through me in spurts of confusion. Like popping a zit, I'd pile up my resistance until it burst into emotional tantrums. 


I was in the middle, past years of entrepreneurial failures and preceding true vision realized. My drive was utterly suspended. Motivation was a ploy put on by canned speakers at events where everyone was forced to dance. I shrank from the thought of having to play extrovert to appease the masculine, old school model of business. 


Even inspiration, as I was coming to know it, was much less glamorous. It showed up as a single sentence that hung in my mind and paused my heart. In that millisecond of stopped time, I trusted its significance and opened my laptop.


Listening to my own pulses of meaning was all that mattered anymore. I could no longer pump my ego with the temporary thrill of accolades. The life I wanted was so simple. To live free. Take care of myself well. Write. 


I was learning to trust myself. 


Tears came in waves of unexplained, densely bundled emotions. I'd cry waterfalls watching a music video or grasping a brilliant movie line. For a heightened moment, I felt tapped into the pure brilliance of the art. It was the best cleansing I'd ever experienced, welling up and cascading out to buoy my energy higher. I was letting loose to make space for the insights that now guided every decision in my existence. 


Here in the middle land, I had slowed my own momentum down. A book brewed inside me, and yet, I paused in decided hesitation. Maybe I was getting ready to handle the bigness of what lay ahead. Maybe I had no idea what my soul was up to, and all I could do was follow the sprinkling of impulses I translated as intuition. 


I wondered if I was just afraid of everything I assumed accompanied success. Being overly busy, scattered, jet-lagged and overwhelmed. I believed fame threatened my small freedom I constructed within the textured white walls of my one-bedroom apartment.


Could I be found and be free? Could I be successful and still take naps?


Could I do this thing the way I really wanted to?


YTBD. Yet to be determined. 






Share on Facebook
Share on Twitter
Please reload

Featured Posts

"Too Much" Authenticity?

February 28, 2020

Please reload

Recent Posts

February 28, 2020

November 5, 2019

November 1, 2019

September 14, 2019

August 5, 2019

January 9, 2019

December 31, 2018

Please reload

Search By Tags
Follow Us
  • Facebook Basic Square
  • Twitter Basic Square
  • Google+ Basic Square
By entering in your info, you agree to the terms of our Privacy Policy. 
  • Twitter - Black Circle
  • Instagram - Black Circle
  • YouTube - Black Circle
  • Facebook - Black Circle