I've often thought that the paradox of "Me" was something to fix or rectify. I needed to act in accordance with beliefs I subscribed to at a given point, concretely and forevermore. Because that was "right." Or at least, I thought it was when I decided it was. That strictness created a heaviness in my life and made me feel "wrong" when I said one thing and did the exact opposite. Even when that opposite thing felt natural and inspired.
The more I grow into "Me," the less I want to take things seriously. The more I want to smear black & white together to make a completely new color, that eludes definition or categorization. I like things to be fuzzy, blurred and slightly baffling.
This past year has been a cosmic dip into The Feeling Place - where strategy is suspended and resilient, unexplainable guidance drips in through spaces of practiced contentment. When I let myself be free of all the "shoulds." In the days away from the phone, when Instagram roils on without my participation, I can more tenderly excavate the pockets of genuine expression inside me. Pure inspiration flows.
It is easier to love myself when I'm not relentlessly looking at everyone else and what they're doing and saying and "how it worked for them."
It's wholly bizarre getting older and just learning how to live. Every day, something I once believed, crumbles. I change my mind constantly. I feel bold when I choose something more bright and expansive - that feels better, more uplifting and encouraging. Sometimes I freeze, because nothing makes sense the way it used to. I can't go back to the old way, but the new uprising of inspired action with which I'm magnetized forward is all unknowns.
So so So so Much resides in the unseen. Even though for years I binge-watched spiritual teachings and crammed on self-development study, "the unseen" didn't hold meaning, I didn't feel it . . . until I went off social media for a month last year. That month turned into two. And since, my life has been a series of inspired flow steps, received in the state of being where things just "click." And of course, my life is also the opposite. I get stuck in blocks where no words come, energy stagnates and fear holds me motionless in a scattered, overwhelmed muck of insecurity. :)
"We live in a lite world--one that bombards us from thousands of directions with advertisements and escape in every conceivable form and television shows about people doing mindless things and elevators that play mind-numbing versions of songs we used to like before we heard them a million times. This noise, in all its visual and psychic forms, can numb us, making this day feel like it's without weight because it's just like all the others as they all run together."
~ Rob Bell from What We Talk About When We Talk About God: A Special Edition
When I give myself a little separation from the virtual world of my phone . . .
Time bends when I amplify my focus. That usually means shutting off my phone and setting my intention for what I'd like to work on for the day. Taking it one step at a time.
The path becomes clear when I relinquish my need to know, control and "make it happen." I'm often mentally flooded with inspiration in the shower, when I'm relaxed, soaking wet and don't have a pen to write it down. It's a good thing my carpet doubles as a Shamwow.
I'm embracing the belief that I have the power to prioritize how I spend my time. I was watching an interview with the former president, George W. Bush, and he mentioned that, while in office, he communicated to his staff that, every day, he wanted one hour for exercise. No matter what world catastrophes or celebrations were busting down the door, he had one dedicated hour in his schedule, every day, to move his body. He's now authored four books, contributed to numerous others, and is a skilled painter. I was both surprised, and impressed, when I learned these things about him.
Here's to being a beautiful bundle of contradictions.
A nearly perfect mess of all things.
Creators of overwhelm. Seekers of peace. ✌️
Deciders of how we spend our time and Directors of our energies.
Even with the bombardment of our often "lite" world, there is so much delightful opportunity to Have Joy . . .
lotsa love ~ e