Sometimes I'm filled with a need for love so cavernous that I ache, my whole body lagging and yearning for touch, nurture and even more deeply, adoration. For someone to look at me like my cat does when I first wake up in the morning, purring and wide-eyed, so stirred-up-jazzed that I've simply put two feet on the ground. Have I ever looked at myself in the mirror that way? Like I'm the whole world?
I cast my mind into everything that needs to be fixed and changed. Perked up. Tidied. Revamped. Overhauled. My whole life it seems, most days.
I wrote - LAUGH MORE - on a sticky note the other day. Life has been lacking that lately. Everything so serious in heavy attempts at trying to make it, to navigate this life and check all the todo's, so many of which are self-created and completely extraneous. I'm admittedly exhausted, not pooped out quitting for good, but worn, weary and ready for something good to happen. Really good. Like, life-changing good. One thing I know, I've always got more to tap. Just when I think I've really had it, a new idea pops in. I can't help myself but keep engaging the dream.
One day I'll look back on now and laugh at how serious I was about it all. How step-by-step the process unfolded. How all the things I worried about, were inconsequential.
It was always working out, and none of it was what I made it to be in this mouse mind of mine that runs like the dickens, overanalyzing, maniacally planning, agonizing over every detail.
Sometimes I soften. Before sitting down to write this, I squirted Miracle II Soap into a sea sponge, the lines of blue gel a deep aqua like a bit of ocean paradise I'd die to soak in, scrunching the puff into a sudsy lather and massaging my arms and legs. Grabbing a brush, I scrubbed my feet, tickling under the caressing bristles, then drying each extremity with tenderness. I rubbed lavender essential oil into my feet, feeling a rise of pleasure expand upwards through my whole body, the warmth of love vibrating in my happy cells. I slipped on bright pink socks adorned with pickles, lit a candle, incense, sage, palo santo . . . true to my nature, it's never one thing, it's every-thing. You'd be hard-pressed to find me without four drinks at arms grasp.
And now, here, I'm writing about SelfLove & schtuff, this crazy life I'm wading through, as are you. Feeling a little more nourished, feel-ably more loved and fulfilled in ways that don't require explanation.