Let's be friends on Facebook so we can tally each other's lives. I'll send you a friend request. You accept. Then we'll be "connected." Maybe I'll ❤️ a pic quote or leave a "😎🏖👏🏼" on your vacation photo, but we'll never really talk. We'll continue to covet each other's lives with a buffer of virtual distance in between. On days when I feel fat and unsuccessful, I'll scroll through your profile pictures, jealous of the fun that fills your life. Your country kitchen, frenchie pup . . . how happy and thin you are. I'll carefully select photos of my own to make me look good, too. On a mountaintop. When I was 25, before the weight. Speaking onstage, hair extensions on fleek. So you can see how adventurous, driven and put-together I am. If we're friends on Facebook, once a year I can post "Happy Bday! 🎉💕🎈" on your wall and act like that's being in your life. We can judge each other from the safety of our smart phones in lonely jags when our lives feel bankrupt. You'll be part of the thousand other besties who will never see my bathroom, unless it's from the mirror selfie I posted from my good side. Let's be friends on Facebook so we can hook into each other in the laziest, least meaningful way. Instead of confidantes, we'll be voyeurs, lingering on the edges of each other's profiles to size each other up. Adding one more person to compare ourselves to and measure our worth by. But if you hearted what I ate for breakfast, you're a real friend. I reciprocated by liking your green smoothie recipe. Maybe if I ever see you in person, I'll say, "You inspired me." Just something to say. The acceptable thing to do. Like being friends on Facebook.